They say feeling sexy is psychological… In that case, I think I need to get my head examined. I’ve started wondering if my recent inability to feel sexy is changing the way my husband feels about me… Have we become buddies because I don’t feel sexy? Where did my mojo go? And how in the hell do I get her back?
These days I can’t put nice clothes on without feeling like changing right back into my holey sweatpants and comfy t-shirt. Every time we go out, I start to dress up, remembering what it was like to be hot… I do my makeup and hair, then go to the bedroom to put on some jeans and a sexy top. But when I check it all out in the mirror, the effect is less than I’d hoped. Much less. So I wear saggy jeans instead of the tight ones and a big ugly t-shirt to cover them up. And then I tell myself (and anyone who asks) that I don’t want to conform to social standards that require women to primp like Barbies before going out in public. But secretly, I just miss feeling hot.
I can’t tell if somewhere along the way my self-esteem has degenerated to the point where I’m overly critical of myself. Or if it’s just that I need to make the adult-who’s-almost-30 decision to either hit the gym hard or buy bigger clothes… Either way, I’m not ready for it.
There’s nothing like getting a second glance or that slow, appreciative smile. I used to love walking by a group of guys, knowing I’m hot, knowing they’re looking. But was it always the way I felt that made them look? Was it always something about my absolute certainty of my own sexiness that drew them in?
Do I really have to rely on myself to feel sexy? Yikes.
Chunks of Life 