A List of Grievances and their Likely Solutions

I threw my back out last night whilst sitting on the couch. This event – which should be embarrassing for a relatively healthy 28-year-old – led me to question the validity of said relative health. To test the assumption that as a person still in her twenties and not yet overweight I can be considered healthy relative to the rest of the U.S. population, I set about making a mental list of my current principle grievances. Here is the abbreviated list:

GRIEVANCE #1: I’m getting chunky ’round the middle. Putting on pants is becoming a struggle, often resulting in a condition I like to call “muffin top” where too tight pants cause a portion of my once slim waste to overflow like the dough on the top of a muffin. This muffin top is not delicious, however.

GRIEVANCE #2: I have a bad neck/back. Apparently, normal necks are supposed to have graceful C curves, but according to recent x-rays, my head sits on top of a stiff, straight pike. The muscles in my shoulders and upper back are a mass of rock hard knots. And even sleeping is uncomfortable now.

GRIEVANCE #3: I have bad vision. I mean, wow, I really can’t see anymore. It’s the distance thing. Everything is blurry until it’s in front of my face. But I’m hoping it evens itself out because as people age, they tend to get progressively far-sighted. So maybe around 40 I’ll have 20/20 vision again…

GRIEVANCE #4: I’m exceedingly lazy. It’s like I’ve turned into a bitchy old fat lady. I love to talk about what’s wrong with me; self-deprecating humor is my forte at parties. But never doing anything about anything is my forte in life.

PAINFULLY OBVIOUS SOLUTIONS:

• Clearly I need to go to the gym to stop the chunkiness from spreading.
• I also need to quit my hunched-over-staring-at-computers-all-day desk job so that my neck and back aren’t constantly strained and my eyes can readjust to seeing things far away.
• And lastly, I should throw away my couch and TV. Obviously it’s their amazing capacity to entertain for hours on end that are at fault for my inability to do anything at all.